You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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