i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We are all done wearing pants today
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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