3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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