The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
