i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
