I CAN MOONWALK!
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
