4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
