There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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