i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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