Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
