im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
