It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
