Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
