Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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