Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
