Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
