So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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