I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
