god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
