I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Houston, we have a blender
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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