The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
