he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
