I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
