When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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