I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
