Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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