i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
