I'm so fucking centered right now
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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