Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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