I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
