That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
