In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she told me i tasted like america
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
