I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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