how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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