Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
