you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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