Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
