yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
