woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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