the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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