The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
