Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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