Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
