Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I see more hoeing in ur future
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
