Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
