I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
