so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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