She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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