i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
