some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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