i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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