Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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