My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I am morally bankrupt
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
