we made out on top of his cat.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
