Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
