I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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