I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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