Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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