Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
