He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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