Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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